Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
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