I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
