Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
i've created a new STD.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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