mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Randomize
