so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
