see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
