WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
that's an acceptable place to lick
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
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