And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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