you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
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