we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
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