Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
