the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
It was confusing and full of hummus
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
