i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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