I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Randomize
