We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
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