from now on my penis is your penis
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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