This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
being pregnant is like rehab
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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