i wish my penis had a tongue
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Randomize