I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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