fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
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