Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
