see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
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