he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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