Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Randomize
