can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I puked a lego.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Randomize
