I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
