Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
operation harelip BJ is a go
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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