Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
