By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
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