I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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