i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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