im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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