he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
