I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Randomize
