While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
