I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
