I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize