Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Randomize
