Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
thus making me awesome and them whores
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
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