This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
