those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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