apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Randomize
