i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
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