we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
