It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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