sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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