Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
