That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
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