glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Dicks are not precious.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
