In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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