It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
