I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize