she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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