he puts the penis in happiness.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Randomize
