i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
My feet surprised me
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Randomize