No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
