my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
