Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize