I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Randomize
