I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
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