i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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