new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
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