Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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