you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
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