forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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