I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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