Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
