I wish I could punch you in the face.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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